I’m so glad you shared this story, with all of its complexity and the questions that linger long after the visit. A former therapist of mine often repeated the adage that everyone does the best they can with what they know. I’m hoping that I’ll come to believe that about people, and about myself. What I do believe is that love is a commitment to action rather than an emotion. Your commitment to action embodies the meaning of the word.
Wow, Annette...this was such a compelling debrief on your experience at FCCW. Thank you for sharing so honestly about processing the discomfort it stirred for you. Every time one of us is publicly honest about our biases, I think it moves us all at least a millimeter closer to healing the terrible legacy of race-based systemic oppression in this country. As you said, the "how" of something is said carries more weight than what is said. I feel your "how" here to be coming from love an earnest desire for justice. Thank you again 💖
Thank you so much, Keith, for your thoughtful comment. I totally agree that revealing our biases can be healing, but being vulnerable is never easy. We just have to keep trying.
Thank you Annette. Such a provocative and complicated issue, and clearly without easy answers. But yes, the parole issue seems an important option in these situations. One of the aspects that might be important is how the women felt about their own ability to control their circumstances once they were out of prison. None of us have complete power, but within certain limitations, we exercise control over our lives. I wonder if they feel they have been given opportunities to practice that, to understand and live the stresses of that.
Yes, it is all those things. For women who will be getting out at some point, they have a lot of programs to help them prepare. I don't know if they're effective or enough, but they're something. Desperately needed, though, are more programs that focus on re-entry after release. One of the women quipped, "When incarcerated women are released, they picked right back up with their childcare responsibilities. When men get released, they just pick up women." Despite the humor, there's a sad truth about the expectations placed on women, even in prison.
This was a powerful story. Your findings make the racial bias impossible to ignore, it’s the same pattern we see across so many states. It’s heartbreaking that this remains the reality. I agree that Virginia should reinstate parole, especially when people at FCCW have clearly shown growth and change. Hopefully the state moves in that direction someday.
Thank you, Missy. I agree that, although a small sample, it’s consistent with the racial bias we’ve seen in the justice system everywhere. I’m hopeful that now that Democrats have control again in Virginia, we can see some movement on parole and discriminatory sentencing. Thanks for your comment.
Annette, a powerful story that brought back to mind my relationship with Michael,who, when he was 15, killed his 12 year old sister. As you will remember, I visited him weekly (with a few exceptions) for 3.5 years while he was awaiting trial.
At times I saw before me a young, scared, white young boy. Younger emotionally than his age. At other times I realized I was sitting less than an arm’s length away from a murderer, in a cell away from anyone else’s line of sight. Often I questioned who he was, who I was. I could “discount” some of the feelings because of his youth, but not all of it. History of abuse (by family and others, but thankfully not family of origin) was one of the reasons. But still—there were many times I felt disquieted. It often took me the hour drive home to regain some sense of calm.
Not the same as your experience, but it was a chance to wrestle with the concept of inherent worth. Especially when challenged by the guards as to why he should receive the benefit of a weekly visit with a chaplain when there was no chaplain provided for the staff.
Anyway, if you want another listening or thought partner, I’m here. Bless you for the risks in loving you set before yourself.
Wow! I hadn’t thought about that relationship for a long time. It’s helpful to hear that you grappled with these same questions. They aren’t easy ones. Thank you for reminding me. I appreciate it.
This was a fascinating and thought-provoking read, Annette. Thank you for sharing your experience AND going deep — taking the time to research and reflect upon what it all means.
Thank you, Melissa. It took me a long time to write it because I had so many conflicting feelings about the experience. But I’m so glad I got it done. I agree it’s important to go deep on a topic such as this. Thanks again.
I’m so glad you shared this story, with all of its complexity and the questions that linger long after the visit. A former therapist of mine often repeated the adage that everyone does the best they can with what they know. I’m hoping that I’ll come to believe that about people, and about myself. What I do believe is that love is a commitment to action rather than an emotion. Your commitment to action embodies the meaning of the word.
Thanks, Julie. As always, I am touched by your wisdom and your support. Thanks so much.
Glad we are connected!
Wow, Annette...this was such a compelling debrief on your experience at FCCW. Thank you for sharing so honestly about processing the discomfort it stirred for you. Every time one of us is publicly honest about our biases, I think it moves us all at least a millimeter closer to healing the terrible legacy of race-based systemic oppression in this country. As you said, the "how" of something is said carries more weight than what is said. I feel your "how" here to be coming from love an earnest desire for justice. Thank you again 💖
Thank you so much, Keith, for your thoughtful comment. I totally agree that revealing our biases can be healing, but being vulnerable is never easy. We just have to keep trying.
Thank you Annette. Such a provocative and complicated issue, and clearly without easy answers. But yes, the parole issue seems an important option in these situations. One of the aspects that might be important is how the women felt about their own ability to control their circumstances once they were out of prison. None of us have complete power, but within certain limitations, we exercise control over our lives. I wonder if they feel they have been given opportunities to practice that, to understand and live the stresses of that.
Yes, it is all those things. For women who will be getting out at some point, they have a lot of programs to help them prepare. I don't know if they're effective or enough, but they're something. Desperately needed, though, are more programs that focus on re-entry after release. One of the women quipped, "When incarcerated women are released, they picked right back up with their childcare responsibilities. When men get released, they just pick up women." Despite the humor, there's a sad truth about the expectations placed on women, even in prison.
This was a powerful story. Your findings make the racial bias impossible to ignore, it’s the same pattern we see across so many states. It’s heartbreaking that this remains the reality. I agree that Virginia should reinstate parole, especially when people at FCCW have clearly shown growth and change. Hopefully the state moves in that direction someday.
Thank you, Missy. I agree that, although a small sample, it’s consistent with the racial bias we’ve seen in the justice system everywhere. I’m hopeful that now that Democrats have control again in Virginia, we can see some movement on parole and discriminatory sentencing. Thanks for your comment.
Annette, a powerful story that brought back to mind my relationship with Michael,who, when he was 15, killed his 12 year old sister. As you will remember, I visited him weekly (with a few exceptions) for 3.5 years while he was awaiting trial.
At times I saw before me a young, scared, white young boy. Younger emotionally than his age. At other times I realized I was sitting less than an arm’s length away from a murderer, in a cell away from anyone else’s line of sight. Often I questioned who he was, who I was. I could “discount” some of the feelings because of his youth, but not all of it. History of abuse (by family and others, but thankfully not family of origin) was one of the reasons. But still—there were many times I felt disquieted. It often took me the hour drive home to regain some sense of calm.
Not the same as your experience, but it was a chance to wrestle with the concept of inherent worth. Especially when challenged by the guards as to why he should receive the benefit of a weekly visit with a chaplain when there was no chaplain provided for the staff.
Anyway, if you want another listening or thought partner, I’m here. Bless you for the risks in loving you set before yourself.
Wow! I hadn’t thought about that relationship for a long time. It’s helpful to hear that you grappled with these same questions. They aren’t easy ones. Thank you for reminding me. I appreciate it.
This was a fascinating and thought-provoking read, Annette. Thank you for sharing your experience AND going deep — taking the time to research and reflect upon what it all means.
Thank you, Melissa. It took me a long time to write it because I had so many conflicting feelings about the experience. But I’m so glad I got it done. I agree it’s important to go deep on a topic such as this. Thanks again.